by Vincent Scuro
Some people travel to the far corners of the Earth searching for the meaning of life.
I think I found it on an elevator.
It all started one morning when I walked into a building for an appointment I had on the third floor. At first, I considered taking the stairs for the exercise. But I was running late for my appointment, so I skipped the mini-cardio workout and took the elevator.
I stepped in, pushed button No. 3, and waited. The door closed, and the elevator started up.
Since I was the only person on the elevator, I thought this would be a quick ride.
I was wrong.
Suddenly, the elevator stopped on the second floor. I thought someone was going to get in and ride up to the third floor.
Again, I was wrong.
I waited a few moments for the door to open.
It didn’t.
Apparently, my elevator was stuck on that floor.
Then it hit me: Sometimes an elevator goes up. Sometimes an elevator goes down. Sometimes an elevator stays in one place.
Not one to revel in poignant philosophical moments for too long (and not wanting to subsist on the tin of breath mints in my pocket for who knows how long), I started pressing the heck out of the No. 3 button in hopes of getting the elevator moving again. A few seconds later, I was on my way up. I breathed a sigh of relief. Poignant philosophical moments notwithstanding, I made a mental note to take the stairs the next time I was in that particular building.
Later, on the way out to my car, I put on my jacket and started to pull up the zipper. Somewhere around the middle of my chest, it became stuck.
As I tugged on it, it occurred to me that sometimes a zipper goes up. Sometimes a zipper goes down. Sometimes a zipper stays in one place — especially when it’s broken.
Wow, two revelations in one day, I thought. That must be some metaphorical record.
Of course, I still had a broken zipper on my jacket, but then again, it could have been worse.
I looked over the rest of my wardrobe, especially my socks and pants, and realized that the “up, down and stay-in-one-place” concept applied to them, as well, even if they weren’t broken.
Later that day, I flipped on the TV and caught part of a classic boxing match showing on a nostalgia sports channel. I saw the challenger get knocked down, get up, get knocked down again, get up again and then get knocked down again. After a few rounds of that, the challenger stayed down.
I was having another poignant philosophical moment. I realized that like the elevator, boxing, too, had its ups and downs. But, when you’re really getting beaten up, sometimes it’s better to stay in one place.
Flipping the channels some more, I tuned to a weather station. At that moment, there was a major storm in progress in another part of the country. Within the air transportation system, planes were taking off, but many flights were being re-routed to other airports so they could land. Some were canceled before takeoff.
Still yet another poignant philosophical moment: It occurred to me that sometimes airplanes go up, sometimes they go down, and sometimes they stay in one place.
I also was glad I wasn’t flying anywhere that day.
About then, my telephone rang. It was my doctor’s office. I’d had blood work done recently, and they were calling with the test results.
Apparently, said the woman on the other end of the line, some of my tests had gone up, some had gone down, and some had stayed in one place. However, all were within acceptable limits, so I had no need to worry.
I said, “Sometimes my test results go up, sometimes they go down, and sometimes they stay in one place.”
The woman from the doctor’s office flipped through my medical history and agreed.
A few minutes later, I went to the mailbox to get the mail. In with the day’s delivery was my electric bill, which I opened right away. I immediately looked at the amount due. It was about the same as the previous month, but more than last year at the same time. Since we’d been having a colder than normal winter, the spike in usage from the previous year was understandable. Besides, warmer months were ahead, so it probably would be down next month.
Sometimes my electric bill goes up, sometimes it goes down, and sometimes it stays in one place, I thought.
Back to the TV — I flipped channels again and found an infomercial for yo-yos. It was the same thing again. The demonstrator made the yo-yo go up, go down and stay in one place.
Then I tuned to one of those cable channels that provides up-to-the-minute reports on the stock market. As I watched the ticker scoot along the bottom of my screen, I had yet another poignant philosophical moment: Sometimes stocks go up, sometimes stocks go down, and sometimes stocks stay in one place.
I heard the analysts say how the economy and consumer price index were doing the same thing as the stock market — going up, coming down and staying in one place — and how these trends were connected to the stock market.
They probably didn’t realize how much these things also have in common with elevators, zippers, airplanes, electric bills, yo-yos and prizefighters.
Later I saw a commercial for a tax-preparation service and thought about my income taxes.
It was then that I realized that while there were a lot of connections to the poignant philosophical moments I was having that day, the “up, down and stay-in-one-place” principle didn’t apply to everything.
Sometimes things only go up.
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